Polar Night
by MeghanReviews
Summary: COMPLETED If Twilight in Edward's POV is Midnight Sun then New Moon in his POV is Polar Night, the exact opposite. I present to you for your reading pleasure Edward Cullen and his stream of consciousness in New Moon from a few select scenes and sequences.


**Polar Night **

If Twilight in Edward's POV is Midnight Sun then New Moon in his POV is Polar Night, the exact opposite. I present to you for your reading pleasure Edward Cullen and his stream of consciousness in New Moon from a few select scenes and sequences. I am not sure if it parallels closer to the books or movies at this point, or if it is somewhere in between. Whatever the case angst, love, passion awaits you.

* * *

_South America, Sometime After the Break-up _

I thirst. I thirst. I thirst.

A constant refrain. It's like a heartbeat… one I don't have.

I'm a monster. The thirst constantly reminds me of this. It never leaves me.

I ache for Bella. For years I never thought I had a heart to lose or break… how wrong I was. If I have a soul it is hers.

I hear her voice and her words in my head. Faithfully memorized and preserved, the memory of her that fateful day plays like a movie in my mind. In it, she whispers that I don't love her in that broken little voice. I'm a monster.

It's not true. I long to tell her this… to ease this God awful ache… to tell her I lied. I did. I lied. I preyed on her insecurities. I'm a monster.

It's no comfort to me. Knowing that I lied. To me, to the others, it was so outrageously false. How could she believe the lie? I love her with every ounce of my being. But I told her otherwise. I made her believe it. I am a monster.

Her voice in my thoughts… It's a blessing and a curse. I will never forget her. I don't want to. I will never forget her. But she will forget me. Her love will fade with time. I try to find comfort in that, but I can't bear to think of it. I want her to remember me. I don't want her to hate me or to stop loving me. I'm a monster.

It's monstrous to wish on Bella even a fraction of what I feel right now. This line of thinking is terribly selfish. She should forget me. I need her to so she can be safe. She never thinks of her own safety. It's all I can think of. I don't want to lose her.

I don't want to lose her, but it's dangerous to be with her. I'm a monster. Monsters don't get the girl.

The girl deserves better. Better than me. Better than this life. She is not a monster.

I will not make her one. Because even though I am a monster, I don't wish that. I have never wished that. I thought it was enough of a distinction to let me get close to her… but my conscience is ever in the way. It's like I knew all along that I was fated to lose her to the monster inside me.

I'm a monster and I should have known better than to go near her… but I did not want to stay away and like the monster that I am I took her for myself. I made her fall in love with me.

I'm punished for it now. But so is she. That makes me a monster.

I've already lost her. She does not realize she is mine or that I am irrevocably hers. I convinced her that it was all a lie. That I lied to her from the start, but it wasn't her that I lied to. It was to myself. I'm a monster.

But she lives. She's not dead. I rejoice in that. It's how I know I've made the right choice now. I've finally put her first, truly first, and my own needs second. I walked away.

I hear her voice on constant repeat in my head. She whispers that I don't love her in that broken little voice. It slices my heart in two, but I can't take the words back now. I am a monster.

I almost lost her to Jasper's thirst. He would have killed her. If he had, I would have killed him. I would have used Alice against him. Until that moment I never thought I could do such a thing. But I could and I would. I'm a monster.

How many times did I almost do the deed myself? Bella's blood calls to me. She is my siren. I'm a monster. A man in love would never hurt the woman he loves. Or think about it. I am no good for Bella. My world will kill her if I don't do it first.

Before Jasper there was James… and after Jasper there is Victoria. Alice warned me that Victoria meant to hurt me. I will stop her. The only way to hurt me is through Bella. But I broke Bella's heart. She is safe, even if hurting her made me a monster.

Victoria will have no reason to after Bella. I won't let that happen. I will be a monster for Bella. I will hunt down James' mate and kill her.

I'm a monster. The thirst constantly reminds me of this. It never leaves me. I am a monster.

God knows, I wish I were not.

It's a blessing and a curse. As a monster I can protect Bella, ensure her safety, but as a monster I cannot be with her. If I wasn't a monster, I wouldn't have met her, but as a monster I have no place in her life.

I thirst. I thirst. I thirst.

Bella.

* * *

_South America, When Rosalie Calls_

The phone rang again for the eighth or eightieth time. I'd stopped counting.

"Rosalie," I said, answering to stop the ringing. "Stop calling me. I don't want to talk."

"Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff into the ocean. She didn't see her come up to the surface."

…

I could not have heard right.

…

"Did you hear me Edward? Bella's dead. Come home."

I hang up. There is nothing more to say.

* * *

_In the Air Somewhere, After Edward Made His Plans to Visit the Volturi_

There is no thirst now. The irony of that fact does no escape me. I have never been less thirsty or less aware of the thirst than right now.

Carlisle would say it is the shock. I know it is because of her absence. It's so clear to me what I should've done now. In hindsight.

It was over. All my hopes for her gone. She was gone. She jumped because of me. I'm a monster. I didn't value her love enough. I didn't try to find a way to be together. I didn't look for a way to keep her safe with me… only safe without me.

She died thinking that I didn't love her. I am the worst sort of monster. I loathe myself. If I thought I was wretched before I didn't know the meaning of the word. I do now.

"Oh God, Bella. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I was an idiot… a fool… a coward… a monster. It always comes back to that. Can't you see? I am not good for you. I never was. Why did you have to love me so much? If only you had loved me less… you would be alive."

There are no words to describe the pain. The ache. The loss. I'm empty. So empty.

Since becoming a monster, my mind is always full of thoughts. Other people's thoughts. My thoughts. I can't turn them off. When Rosalie called the silence that consumed me was louder than the noise had ever been.

I'm on a plane full of people and all I hear is silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. It echoes. It suffocates. It reminds me of her. I could never read her.

If I could I would have known her better. I would have trusted her love was as deep for me as mine was for her. I had thought human hearts so fickle. I had seen it so many times. Heard it many more times. But it was never in her to give in half-measures. I preyed on her and left her broken. Can there be any redemption for what I've done? I am a monster.

The world is dead to me without her in it. If there were any justice in the world it would be me and not her.

"I'm coming to join you. You won't be alone. Not anymore. Not ever again."

There is no thirst now except for release from this polar night. Without her to light the world… my world… the darkness stretches everywhere in all directions. There is no sun to guide me. No hope.

It terrifies me to think that she may be forever out of reach. I do not believe I have a soul. I'm a monster. But she thought I did. It is enough for me to try the unthinkable, because it is more unthinkable to exist in a world without her.

"Wait on me. Don't leave me. I'm coming, Bella. I'm coming."

* * *

_Italy, When Bella Finds Edward_

I hear her heartbeat. It is a sound so dear and so familiar and so beloved. To hear it again when I thought I never would is like sunshine breaking over my face. I am warmed by it.

I hear her voice next. My head angles toward it. I am like a sunflower shifting towards the light. There is so much light. It's filling my heart, pushing out the darkness lodged there. The night has faded. Dawn is breaking.

If I am where she is… maybe… maybe I'm not a monster. The burden of it, of all my failures, of all my fears, of all my sins, falls away. It simply falls away. I am free. Finally free.

And she's in my arms. I don't see her. There is too much light, but I hold onto her with everything I am. I will not let her go. Never again. She is mine. I am hers. It is meant to be to this way. She was right. She was right all along.

When I breathe in deep, the first breath I am able to take without feeling like I'm being crushed from the inside, her scent hits me like a punch to the gut from Emmett. She smells the same.

The thirst roars back to life, reminding me I am not forgiven. Not completely. I am still a monster. I can ignore it all though. I know what it is like without her. The thirst, her scent, it is nothing by comparison to the pain of that loss.

I don't know if this is heaven or hell. I don't care. I am where she is. That is enough.

I kiss her fiercely, picking her up and twirling her in my arms. She clings to me, kisses me back. It's more than I could have hoped for… more than I deserve.

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

If I told her once every second for the rest of our afterlife it won't have been said enough.

She has to know it. She has to believe it. I must undo all my lies. I must. I must earn her forgiveness. Without it I will never be able to forgive myself.

Bella is telling me to open my eyes. Were they closed? How strange.

I open them and I'm standing ten feet from where I was killed. The festival is still happening across the plaza. No time seems to have passed and yet my world has been shaken to its core and steadied again. She is here with me. She is warmth and life and joy and peace and love. Then the noise and volume of the world crashes into me. I tense. What is going on?

And then I hear their thoughts… oh, God. No.

I'm not dead. This is hell. And I am not the only monster.

* * *

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this story, I wrote a similar fanfic that takes place after Edward has returned and before Eclipse starts where he witnesses Bella's nightmares for himself. Check out A Vow at Dawn.


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